Just hung up and showered.
So today, went out with hq and ml. e!hub and terminal3. FUN (:
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Was talking to hq in the bus today. And yea. Didn't actually finish out convo. Got a call halfway.
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When you msged me at first. I was like.. errrrrm. Stone,stun,shocked,and other "s" words which i cant think of now. Lol.
So yea. Was kinda wondering why the sudden msg. So,a called followed. When my phone was ringing i was like...okay i dunno.
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It kinda felt weird talking to you. Was kinda asking myself.. "am I happy you called?" cos without a doubt,I would have been last time.
This kinda sucks how I'm doubting just about everything.
See,you have the confidence to just not talk to me for a few days and just know that everything will be alright. But I cant do that,I have no idea why,but till now, I don't hvae confidence in this friendship,yea you can tell me a million times "I won't fight with you la",but for all I know you can change your mind anytime you get pissed. Saddening somehow. SO long, and I seriously don't have the slightest confidence.
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So slowly after getting off the bus and the topic bout him kicked off,I was still fine. Like all the way,on and on. You said you were over him,naturally I doubted it so I was all like "ya ya ya sureeeee",but somehow subconciously,a part of me took that to heart. Didn't realise it till after we hung.
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So as the night grew older you blabbed more stuff out,like how you're not over him and all. And to my surprise,it kinda hit me,like "omg so it isn't better and you're not getting over him at all". Somehow although you kept gg "omg i didn't just say that out loud" again,subconciously i think you did wanna tell me, not me, but ya, you did wanna let it out. Don't blame you.
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Sadly,I wish you could lie to me more. Like just tell me you're over him although I don't belive, I realise i feel a whole lot better cos a part of me trusts those words. And so I concluded after the whole convo,the only reason you called was because you wanted to talk to me bout him,again it's about him. And honestly,it's kinda depressing. Thankfully I'm growing imune to the whole thing. Hq says that the friendship's fading away. I was like.. "huh isn't it very sad" she said "it's feelings, not that you want it". I bet hq's the only person that will believe me when i say i dont really care as much alrd. everyone else will be like.. "yaaaaa sure,like that will ever happen, * lehhhh" =.=
So ya, what the hack.
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Really in the midst of figuring out everything. I was quite sure that if you didn't call,I'd be thinking of letting go of the whole friendship. And I hope I don't go to the extend la. Hopefully it's just a temporary glitch in my emotions. I'd be lying if i said i didn't feel anything in the few days we didn't talk. But think again,I don'treally know how i felt. I just felt weird without anyone to talk to, bur then again,relieved cos i was really stressed out bcos i couldn't exactly hold back my feelings of getting annoyed when you went on bout him. It'slike i keep telling myself, why get upset, it's not like you didn't try,but again i feel i shouldn't just give up trying to talk you out of it,but i'm really tired. It's tough on you,but when it affects you,you somehow manage to add this stress to me. the only diff is,who am i suppose to tell it to? i mean it's your secrets,i cant jsut go round telling anyone.
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This is a realllly long post but i wanna blab it out and hopefully move on. God i feel so bad like some bitch. But if i really don't care anymore.. i dunno how things will be like. I wont even admit i don't care. so you'd probably go on thinking i care when i dont which is so fcked up. so if i ever stop caring, i will make you hate me. yesssss. okay. i'm sorry =.= i dunno why i'm talking to myself. fck. lol. goodnight.